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To Date Or Not To Date: Continous Heads On Collision Into Date-Land

2010-03-22T07:25:00.000-07:00

It seems that for the past year or so, I have been on a mission. Looking back, I realize that I must have wanted something from these dates that I so willingly allow myself to be subjected to countless of emotions. It was not a roller coaster ride. Hardly any emotions involved. Rather, it was like riding on a bullet train. Speedy and impersonal. Not that I didn't enjoy it. But it got me thinking this inevitable question: What is it that I really want? Loneliness creeps in at odd intervals, playing and tugging at my emotional chords.

One of the man I currently date asked me a question: Is it the quantity or quality that constitute the substantial predicament that I so willingly land myself in?. As I ponder on this question, I realize that it's not an easy one to answer because, one, it might make me look like some cheap-o who allows herself to be courted by so many men (not that anything really happens anyway) and two, it makes me feel that people can and will undermine my judgment, and no matter how i justify it, I still look like a cheap-o anyway. Sigh. I will loose hands down.

Let's analyze this issue with me. I am thirty-three years old. I am divorced with two kids. What should I hope or ask for in a relationship? Looking from a relative's point of view, an aunt told me this, 'Farah, you are still very young. Find a husband and get married'. Really? I mean, seriously, did she think it's that easy? Been there, done that. It didn't work out. So, live with it. Do people really think that marriage is a solution to everything? Let's get religion out of the way here, since all of us know that the noblest thing for a divorced Muslim woman to do would be to get married and not to live life promiscuously, as it is the common stigma and notion attached to us. Relatives, also it seems, think that their divorce family member deserves to marry a single man. Hmm. Question: If your son/nephew/brother marries a divorcee with two kids, what would your reaction be? Forgive me if I'm wrong, but the most distinctive and initial reaction would be utmost shock and non-acceptance (okay, let's not dramatize and over-generalize. Not everyone's reaction will be that, but, then again...)

Let's not even talk about marriage. Well, at least not yet. Finding the right candidate itself is not easy. So this is the part where I try to justify myself. I go on a date-spree. Serial-dating, I call it. Some find it humorous. Others don't. I don't lie to the guys I date. I am a self-proclaimed realist. I am open and am very frank with them about my stand on serial-dating. Some can take it, some can't. Some stay. Some go. I don't stop them, as much as they want me to. Years ago, I would never have thought of doing this. Girl with well brought-up background-who were taught to chew our food quietly, who do not ask for second servings or jump on a couch and be naughty in someone's house less we wish to be pinched inconspicuously underneath the table- just don't serial-date. That world would be unheard of, taboo. We were brought up , all prim and proper, sent off to college, graduate with a good degree and then marry into a good family. Girls with good upbringings just don't go and get divorced. But, the reality is, divorce happens. It knows no boundaries. It's like cancer. it can strike any moment. I am very much open about my divorce as compared to before. I have become an extrovert. Gone are the days where good girls keep their divorce (horrors!) sub-rosa or incognito, an obscure secret. Keeping it obscure is a cardinal sin, paramount to wearing a corset, all tight, leaving you breathless, and your boobs squashed and pushed and all you really want to do is just to tug at the hooks on the back of the corset to free it. And once it comes off, you breath a sigh of relief and you won't want to put in on again for a long time. A simple lacy brassiere would do.

Dating scene. Now, the word itself cannot do justice to the actual act in itself. There's dating. And there's dating. All those who know me well agree that I should not limit my options and be loyal, well, at least not yet. They think I should go crazy and help myself to second and third servings of the buffet line. So I did. I helped myself to the different soups and salads, then the starters, main course-comprising of the different types of meat and poultry cooked rare, medium or well done. Well-done's, true to its name, are easy to get. They are more submissive and hang on to my every word. Although I do love to be waited on hand to foot, I'd rather not have someone agreeing with me all the time, it would be like having nasi lemak without the sambal, if you catch the drift. It's too mundane and monotonous.

So, I serial date. I am on a mission to find my soul-mate, whoever he is. I can tell you how unbelievably difficult and frustrating it is to find the right person. It's like looking for a needle in a haystack. Of course, my dear friend Melissa said, you don't find true love, it finds you. My argument is, God gave us the brains and the resources to explore beyond our capabilities and boundaries. Explore our minds. Be open. If we are just going to sit back and wait for love to fall on our laps, well, here's news for the jejune and unjaded, Marco Polo embarked on an epic journey to Asia, which inspired the likes of Christopher Columbus and if it weren't for these martyrs, the world we know would be very different. Anything that comes to someone very easily is not appreciated as much as something one has had to work hard to get. If everything came easy there would be no drive in people, no striving to better ourselves. We need this to have purpose in our lives. Not to say that people don't always want what comes easy, but from my own experiences, when I have had to work hard to get something, it was always a good feeling, and an accomplishment. Makes me feel good about myself. that I can get something I want by going for it!

So hence, the dates that I have to go through, in my quest to fine this soul-mate of mine, my companion. I find that when it comes to men-love, commitment and relationships-is a voluminous topic and is undoubtedly very subjective. Personally, There is always something inhibiting the relationship that I would like to have with man I find interesting. Is it because I attract people I can't have? Sigh. Maybe. Who is to say who I can or cannot have? Only those looking from the outside tend to insinuate this fact insensitively. I find myself these days drawn to articulateness, a man who is discerning, perceptive with an innate capacity to accomplish something. Yes, those kind of men turns me on these days. For some friends who laugh it off as a bunch of idiosyncratic notion beguiling me, (yes, they seem to think I should come back to reality since the world is short or begone of such species), but I am positive that I will find him. He might not be perfect in so many ways, but he is somewhere out there. In life, we always plan the best path to take to get to our destination. Unfortunately, we tend to forget there is a greater force out there who makes this life interesting with its twists and turns somewhere along the way. I believe this makes us stronger beings. It makes us the person we were intended to be. It prepares us for a mission. I couldn't resist the pun, excuse me.

I'm Backk!

2010-03-22T07:00:00.001-07:00

I'm back!! Gosh, it seems like i haven't blogged for a really long time! Hmm...hopefully i haven't lost my flair for writing... :) Hop on board people, and follow me on another adventure into 2010. Hopefully this year is a better year.

Mr.Floor Manager

2009-08-24T02:42:00.000-07:00

Mr. Floor Manager and I have had a on-off kinda relationship. Apparently, he has always liked me. Almost a year before he had the courage to ask my number. We would see each other in the office, or on the way to the cafeteria and we would smile and wave to each other. He'd turn once. And he'll always turn a second, and third time. Hehe...He's cute and about six years younger than me. I guess he thought I was younger.

All those smiles, and kirim salams were what I called the 'golden period'. It was sweet and fun while it lasted. Really, remember those days when a guy sends you his regards and you giggle sheepishly, smiling yourself silly. Yeah, that was how I felt initially.

Then came the company dinner where I actually held a long conversation with him. Long meant more than 3 seconds. Apparently he came because of me. Wow. Impressive. Yeah we danced and talked. And he asked my number that night. He text me later wishing me goodnight. Sigh...

Then the next night he called me. At first all was fine. Then he started talking about all the other girls he went out with. About the girl who gave him a birthday 'surprise' just a couple of days before...oh God. Really, even if he did, must i know about his bedroom stories? I wasn't in the least interested nor fascinated.

That cut off whatever feelings I had for him. It was a pity and good while it lasted. I really can't stand this trait in any guy. I think I speak for a majority of girls when I say we like to be the center of attention

Mr. Young-And-Cute-Divorcee's Date with Me

2009-07-18T18:06:00.000-07:00

As you guys already know, I had my first, much anticipated date with Mr. Young-And-Cute-Divorcee last night. How was it? Sigh...Honestly, I really don't know what to make out of it. He was cute, yes. But he didn't really give my heart flip-flops when I met him. But he was nice, courteous. And he was hanging on to my every word. A definite plus point! I love it when guys just listen to me talk because I love to talk and frankly it's a shame if they don't listen because I have many curious afflictions I'd like to share. Ha-ha...Gosh, talk about being self-centered! Well, at some point in our lives we have to admit that we are just that and hopefully it would not make us any less human in the eyes of the receiver or to those listening.

Umm...It started out with him being a little later than I was. I hate that. I would really appreciate if a guy arrives at a date with me early (okay, now the self-centered-ness is more apparent, I should really shut my mouth now, or more precisely, choose my words carefully). He apologized off course and because he was cute, I forgave him. (What??? Okay, okay, throw that candle holder at me later ya?!) What shall we watch, he asked, smiling at me and holding the back of my waits as he lead me to the escalator. Terminator3 was what I actually wanted to watch but when we got to the ticket counter, the only seat left were too close to the screen. Off course the inner miss-dumb-dumb in me appeared heroically to so-call save the moment. I said why don't we watch the malay ghost movie. That seven-seven-oh-seven movie. He looked at me curiously, as if trying to sum up what kind of person I was and then laughed. You watch local malay movies? He asked, his eyes twinkling. Okay miss-dumb-dumb knows how to save her ass. I recovered from the moment of dumbness as quickly as it came. I said, well, we got to support out local movie industry right? (okay, for your benefit, I am cringing now as I write the words down ha-ha). He said, we can support the local movie industry next time okay...not on our first date. Okay, I said smiling and nodding myself silly. So we ended up watching Harry Potter. Now, I was not really a fan of Harry, nor did I follow any of the other movies, but I said okay anyway. It was a three hour movie after all, if you catch the drift.

We then had dinner in a fast food restaurant. Yeah, I'm eating my words. Not exactly an ideal location for first dates mind you. Well, not for a thirty two year old mommy of two. I remember not too long ago when Mr.Young-Floor-Manager took me out there for dinner. (mr-Young-Floor-Manager is another story which I have yet to tell). I felt like a school kid. It was raining and kind of romantic but I just didn't feel it. See, this is where Mr. No-Commitment surpasses them all. Okay, let's not even go there.

But he was sweet and attentive. He is a soft-spoken guy and I found it appealing. We chatted. Well, more like I chatted. He speaks English well. Which is another plus point for him. Until he started talking about his ex-girlfriend who he apparently still has emotions for but that emotion is not returned (by her) since she sleeps with her ex-boyfriend whenever she fights with him. Hmm...I knew there was a catch somewhere. But he insist he's not in love with her. Okay, go figure.

Time came for the movie and we went in. The movie was quite amusing actually and I regret not following it from the start of the first one many years ago. And since he knew I did not follow it, he kept whispering things I didn't know about the movie in my ear at frequent intervals. Off course after an hour, my hands felt cold and he helped me warm my hands. Hehehe....Yeah, that was nice. And he held my hands throughout the movie. Off course he fell asleep in between. Poor guy. I felt bad for him. He has been helping take care of his dad the whole week, alternating the hospital and work and home to his son. So I let him doze off.

Overall, it was a nice date. I wouldn't say it was fantastic but nothing to shout about either. He said he wants to see me again. But, the question is, do i?

Mr.Mat-Salleh's Date with Me

2009-07-17T01:25:00.000-07:00

Psst!..
I had a date. Yeah, I went out with a Mr. Mat-Salleh. He's nice. And short. I didn't want to say 'but short' because it'll make me sound like I was complaining, but he is short. I don't know, most of the guys I go out on dates with are short. Mr. No-Commitment, Mr. Young And Cute Divorcee, Mr. Budding-Musician. Hmmm.....some say it is good luck to have a shorter partner. I don't know. I can't wear heels and I don't feel at all sexy. Well, you are what you believe, so, I have to be positive.

It was an impromptu date. We had been e-mailing and texting each other for sometime now and I had thought of asking him out but I followed my instincts and decided not to. Let him do the asking.

It was a Friday night when he popped the question. Asking me if I wanted to catch a movie with him. After much thought, I said yes. I was tired and I really wasn't in the mood to be in a date. But I was curious about Mr. Mat Salleh. What the heck, I thought, Just Do It! Ha-ha, excuse the pun.

So I found myself dressing up (well, dressing down rather) as it had rained that evening and the weather was pretty cold. Instead of wearing cute, sexy, bust-flattering outfits (nothing works on me, so don't worry peeps), I opted for turtle neck and jeans. Not that hot. But the guy has to like me for me, not what I wear. So, after sending my kids off at my parent's place, I headed off to see him in Pavilion.

Mr. Mat-Salleh is rich. He does not want to watch a movie in anything less than premiere class. It was a RM60 seat each mind you. I had never been in premiere class before. Actually, I had never even thought of premiere class before. It was like watching a movie in an aircraft. The first experience was, I tell you, fantastic. The seats were gigantic. It was soft and we were even given a duvet. It felt like a hotel I tell you. Unfortunately, because of the size, there were practically no space for holding hands or snuggling up. If you wanted to hold hands, you had to put your hands out across to the next seat and it looked silly. I'll be sure not to watch anything in premiere class if I'm watching it with Mr. No-Commitment.

We watched 'The Proposal'. It was hilarious. But I tell you, no one found it funnier than Mr. Mat-Salleh himself. He was cracking up with laughter at every joke, and getting up with jerking motions, laughing himself silly. I tell you, lucky there was only one other couple there and no one else to witness the scene. I kept giving him polite smiles, sending him messages through my non-existent ESP, hoping he'll stop. But he didn't. I think he rather enjoyed himself.

He walked me to my car after the movie and kissed me on both cheeks. But nothing there. No sparks. Nothing. Hmm. I'm beginning to feel like I'm numb, devoid of emotions. How can I not feel anything? He's not that bad looking. Sigh...I don't know. When there is no spark, well, then there just isn't any, I guess.

Some say he's the ideal guy (for me). Mat Salleh. Rich. Muslim. Divorced with a daughter the same age as mine. Well, we'll see how it goes from here. I don't know, I'm not feeling the vibes here, you know what I'm saying?

Mr.Young-And-Cute-Divorcee

2009-07-15T19:44:00.000-07:00

Recently my colleague had her friend over for lunch at the hotel. I joined their little company and actually enjoyed the almost one hour session. Off course I noticed there was this good looking guy at the table and that he kept diverting his questions about the hotel to me. But I didn't think anything special of that encounter. Later that evening, my colleague came up to me and said the guy thinks I'm cute. And, he thought I was 24 or 25 years old! Hahaha....funny. Its a compliment really but I'm happy to be thirty two. So I asked my friend if she set the record straight. She said yes and he was definitely surprised. So anyway, the next day he calls the office and we spoke a bit. Then he asked for my mobile number, to text me, yeah you guessed it, silly messages. This is like the umpteenth time a guy actually said this to me when they want my contact number. So anyway, he started texting me and he's kinda okay you know. He's 33 years old. He married early and divorvced two years later. He has a fourteen year old son who lives with his mom. Two days ago he asked me out for a movie. Well, what's a gal got to do right? So I said okay. Yeah, I can't wait to get to know Mr.Young-And-Cute Divorcee and see what he is like. Chances are he will be weird too. Just like the rest. I seem to attract people with problems. Don't know why. But having said that, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. So keep your fingers crossed for me guys. This better be good.Oh, the dinner and movie will be this saturday at klcc. Haha...

Mr.Want-To-Get-Married-Again

2009-07-15T19:30:00.000-07:00

I had a call from Mr.Want-To-Get-Married. He wants to see me. He says he thinks we should get to know each other better. I wonder why! I was always sceptical and weary of this particular guy. So I asked him. He said, well, If I have the intention of marrying you, then I might as well get to know you better. Get to know your kids better. Maybe I can come over to your house during weekends. HA!! I knew there was a catch! He wants to come to my house. I wonder why. It doesnt take a genius to figure that out. So I said, leave my children out of this. They will not be subjected to any of this until I am sure that the guy I want is really good enough. He says I should lighten up. Most girls will be flattered to have him at their house. Oh my god, is this guy serious???I am sure they would be flattered so why don't he start by asking them?, I say. Thank you very much for your offer but I don't think so creep!.

Mr. No-Commitment Goes To India

2009-07-15T18:58:00.000-07:00

I had an sms from Mr.No-Commitment earlier this week. It was a forwarded sms that went something like this, 'ALERT!, There is a special strain of virus deadlier than H1N1.It afflicts most married men causing restricted mobility, speech impairment, extreme stress, high BP and fast temper. There is no cure and the victim is affected forever.Its called B1N1 (Bini or wife flu)'. Funny right?. Yeah so i told him so and additionally added that he actually thought about me during the week, hence the message. He replied saying why would he forget?. I don't know, I said. Then he asked me how I was. I said good, as always. He said he will be leaving for India next week and asked me what I wanted. needless to say, I was dumstruck. I mean, I don't need to repeat myself over and over but he doesn't want commitment yet he wants to buy me things. From India. Well a gal's got to do what a gal's gotta do! We have to stand up for ourselves. Our self-righteouness. Our Pride. I mean, what does he take me for? If he thinks I'm the kind of girl that excepts gifts from men, then he's darn RIGHT!. hahaha....got you guys there! Anyway, jokes aside, I said okay but my mind was reeling from all sorts of possibilities. Should I ask him to get me costume jewellery? They have beautiful peices there. Or sweets? or a saree? I called my friend Seema, my dating consultant. She said no sweets. You can get those here. But a saree would be nice. A saree. Yes. So I text Mr.No-Commitment and told him I'd like a saree. He said sure, let me know what colour and type you want. Colour was easy. I told him bright turqoise with a tinge of silver or deep reddish-brown. Type?? My inner-miss-dumb-dumb took over and asked him, what do you mean by type? Well, he said. Do you want cotton or silk? Which is more comfortable for you? Well, since silk is more expensive, I said silk. Then as I was smiling to myself on this latest development, something else dawned to me. I quickly picked up my mobile phone and text him. Won't your mom be surprised that you are buying a saree? I typed. half a minute later he replied. I'm fourty, plus my mother couldn't be bothered with my personal life anymore. Yeah, I think I mentioned to everyone before that his mom has lost all hopes of him being maried and all. So there. I'm getting a saree from Mr.No-Commitment who will be going to India next week. As I sit here typing this, I still don't know what to think. Well, whatever it is, I'm going to enjoy every minute of it! This is turning out to be kinda fun!

Miss-Make-A-Fool-Out-Of-Myself-As-Usual!

2009-07-03T18:02:00.000-07:00

This was a busy week. We had advertised for various posts needed for the hotel in the newspaper. People were coming in and out of the Executive Office. Wednesday started of as all the other days. Briefing, then paperwork, letters to type out, then the interviews. It was quite boring as my colleague, the sales manager was on mc. So I was doing my work earnestly, when a good-looking guy and his friend walks in the office. Is Anita around?, he asks, smiling at me. I said, no, she's on mc. Then I asked him if he came for an interview. Without blinking, he said yes, his eyes twinkling. Off course, with a zillion things on my mind, I didnt see the twinkle. Oh, okay. What post are you looking for? I asked.What kind of jobs are available, he asked me casually. I blurted out the positions as I knew it the back of my mind. Oh, front office sounds good. Front office? I said. Hold on a minute. Then I called the HR coordinator to confirm if I should give him the clerical or executive application form. She said what kind of post in front office does he want. Some are clerical and some executive. So i hung up the phone and asked him. I handed him an application form. Suddenly his mouth started twitching , as if he couldn't contain his laughter. He said. "No, no. I'm actually Anita's friend. Do you have her number?.

Seriously I felt so silly at that moment. Susah-susah i called HR to find out what form I should give him. I wasted my breath telling him what posts are available. Anyway, he asked my for my mobile number. Apparently he is a producer and he wants to shoot some video here. Anita said he found me hilarious and might ask me out. Hmm. I will not go out with him. He probably got a kick pulling a fast one on me! Creep!

Miss-Make-A-Fool-Of-Myself Again

2009-07-02T03:44:00.000-07:00

It was Monday morning and we had our usual briefing. I'm a full fledged secretary now, not afraid of sending out minutes of meeting to the Dubai bosses anymore hehe.(Yeah, there were a few hick-ups a little while ago)...FYI, filling up forms constitute a small part in a secretary's job. So last week I had to fill out the halal certification form for the two F&B outlets..(oh, for shisha lovers, we have a really cozy place for you guys to hang out). My boss had asked the Sales Manager to deal with this matter so all I had to do was get instructions and information from her. I went into her office and asked her briefly about certain things I wasn't sure about. At the end of the first page of the form, in bold, capital letters, it said, 'Remarks'. I was not sure what it meant. So I asked her. She was onto something the senior GM from Dubai asked her to do. So, off-handedly, waving her hands and looking at her PC, she said, 'Just ask them to process quickly,' It was meant as a joke. But since i was so serious in filling up the form properly without having my boss yell 'Faaaraaaaahhh!!' from his office, I wrote it down and subsequently typed it into the form.

So at the Morning meeting, I was earnestly taking down the important notes if the meeting when the halal certification came up. The Sales Manager said everything is in order. Farah has compiled all the relevant information, the menu, and has filled up the form accordingly. Good, good, said my GM, nodding his head as he went through the application form. Then suddenly he stopped at the bottom. Yeah, right where the word 'Remarks' were. His eyes went from the sales manager to me. 'What the hell is this?!' Luckily, my GM is a soft-spoken man, and he does not really like yelling. In the three months that I have worked alone with him, he has never reprimanded me. I lost the master key to the hotel (this key can open all the hotel rooms in the hotel) and he was very calm about it. He said to stop looking for it and it'll turn up. I know he had to breath in and breath out slowly just to say those words to me. Lucky it turned up.

Sorry, I digress. Anyway,I happen to think that my GM has a soft spot for me. He was angry on my behalf yesterday, when....okay, sorry, i will write that in another post. Let's finish this first. Needless to say my already gigantic eyes turned as big as a flying saucer, and i gulped slowly. What? what is it?, asked the sales manager, also looking at me. She is my friend and she knows what I'm capable of pulling. She gave me a meaningful look.

'Kindly speed up the halal certification proces' read my boss. I looked up at the ceiling. I knew the words well. I wrote it, after all. I managed a silly smile at my boss. My sales manager couldn't control her laughter and started laughing. 'You didn't have to write that Farah! I was joking!!'. Luckily, my boss found it funny and started laughing too. Soon, the whole room was in laughter. So in defense of my silly self, I said, 'I'm glad to be of help and make eveyrone laugh!'. Seriously Farah.

This is it, Micheal.

2009-07-01T22:53:00.000-07:00

I was driving to work early on Thursday morning when I heard Micheal Jackson passed away. I had goosebumps all over my body! I just couldn't believe my ears. For a while i hoped that it was a hoax and the radio deejays would laugh out loud and call it quits. But that didn't happen. I resigned to the fact the he had passed on after Mix FM started playing his songs back to back. They had strange grave tones while they talked, unlike their usual bubbly not to mention hyper selves.

How could I not feel sad? He is the King of Pop. An enigmatic icon. Someone whose life we followed right back to the days when we were young. He has been in the music scene for the last four decades. That means the last fourty years of his life. That is really an achievement, especially in the Hollywood music industry where people just tend to fall out of fame after a while. But no Micheal. True, he has had many bad publicity over the years, but he will always be Micheal Jackson to many of us.

I was upset that many people disrespect him and disregard him even in his death. They still referred as wacko-jacko or jacko. That was upsetting to see. Its not easy being in the limelight. Not everyone will like you. And there is nothing you can do. In Micheal's case, for many years, there were reports and allegations of child molestation. I personally feel that those people were out to get money out of him. He is such a sweet soul and I don't think he is capable of hurting a flea. Yes, he might be soft spoken and appear as a person who loves personal and physical contact, but that is just him being himself. He loves kids to the point of madness. I think it was because he felt robbed of his childhood being a child star and all. This can be seen in the home he built for himself 'Neverland', and probably depicted himself as Peter Pan, the child who won't grow up. For almost two decades, children from all walks of life enjoyed the rides and parks in Neverland. He really made a difference in respect to his charity work towards children. But he felt strongly about his father's way of discipline. This, obviously, has scarred him for life, and till his death we see how much he hated himself as deep down he felt his father hated him so because he was ugly.

People think Micheal Jackson purposely turned himself into into becoming so white but contrary to people's beliefs, it was unintentional. He was not afraid to be black. In the late 80's, while filming a Pepsi commercial, Micheal's hair caught on fire and he suffered major burns. He had to undergo skin grafting and this left many scars phisically. It was this particular incident that started him on skin repairs and consequently, whitening. Let's not blame him for what was something innocent that turned out to be something that became more of an addiction. People get addicted all the time. Smoking is an addiction. Drinking is an addiction. Skin whitening is an addiction. So what?Why blame him for this? We judge others when we ourselves are not perfect. By doing so, we hurt people in the process. Some are strong and can withstand any insults. Others curl up in a nutshell, becoming a social misfit.

Actually Micheal Jackson was just as normal as you and me. But being a celebrity has its ups and downs. To be popular, you gotta be different. He purposely potrayed himself as a weirdo. He found it hilarious that people want to capture the 'wacko-jacko' part of him. This is proof of when he started wearing the mask. The first time he did it, he was on the way to a press conference, and when he got there, he put on this mask, and those in the car asked him why is he putting on a mask, he smiled and said,'let's give them something to talk about'. See? He also had a fascination for people who are different. Like circus founder P.T Barnum, and the elephant man (he was so fascinated, he actually bought the dead guys bones). i think he felt a strong connection with these people. He knew what is was like to be different, to be laughed at. he was a victim, just like them.

Anyway, I'm glad he had three children whom he'd cut his arms for. It is unfortunate that he died so young. But if you noticed most people of extreme popularity often die young tragically. It is unfortunate that he has overdosed himself. If I'm not wrong, he had skin cancer. So you can imagine the pain he was in. The skin is, after all, the largest organ in our body. The pain was inconceivable.

I'm upset that he died out on us. No more Micheal. But if it means he will no longer feel the pain, either physically or mentally, which was both torturing him to madness, then I guess he is in a better place now. May God bless him and his soul and may he rest in peace. Goodbye Micheal Jackson. This is it.

Mr.Dee-Jay Sings For Me!

2009-07-01T17:53:00.000-07:00

As most of you already know, I have been, well, not seeing per se, but 'interacting' with a club deejay for quite some time. He's 32, cute, but he can be a pain in the ass at times. He wants to have a no-commitment relationship and wants to see me on and off for-yeah, you guessed it. WHY??? Why do people instantaneously think I'm up for an immoral way of life when they see me? Actually, I don't really mind if I'm into the guy...heheh...okay, jokes aside (by the way, that's my boss' favorite word. he makes a joke, everyone laughs and he cuts us off with those two words). Okay, so jokes aside, Mr.Dee-Jay has been quite persistent. Asking me out. Texting me daily. Face-booking me. Blah blah blah. I have been quite bad to him, I must say. As time goes by, I sense that he likes me more than he cares to admit. And i start to get scared. I don't know. I get scared when people starts to like me.

So one day, Mr. Dee-jay texts me and says 'Babe, I wrote a song for you'....aww.....so sweet, was my instant reply. I quickly text my girlfriend Seema and told her all about it. Seema thought it was very sweet. Well, to keep it short, here is the song. Sing it to the 'Oh Carol' tune okay.

Oh, Farah...
I'm but a fool
Baby I like you...
Though you treat me cruel...
You hurt me..
And you make me cry...
And if you leave me...
I'll find another gal..

Baby i want to take you out for coffee
Or if you want milooo...
Since you don't really take tea
I'll sacrifice also...
Baby jom let's go out for a movie
Whenever you are free
Or we can watch tv..
Or maybe dvd...

Oh Farah
I may be a fool...
Baby I dig you...
Because you are so cool...
Baby I think you are goddamn pretty...
And I'm not the only one...
My best friend thinks you are such a hotty
I'll be proud if you are mine.

-Raj.

This song came in two batches. Sweet. What do you guys think? Haha!! Guys really are something aren't they?? :) Anyway, I told you I'm bad right? So I told him I didn't really like the song.

E! News Now Video

2009-06-27T08:06:00.001-07:00

Mr.No-Commitment-Again

2009-06-21T04:51:00.000-07:00

Psst!! I had a date with Mr.No-Commitment last friday. It was supposed to have been saturday night, but he text somewhere in the middle of the week to say he's got some family thing on saturday night (my close friend Lisa said, 'yeah right,' to that) but atleast he gave an alternative date which fell on friday. I'd rather have that than having him cancel the date anyway. So, I was really excited on thursday, picking out like ten different things to wear to work. It had to look good as I was meeting him straight after work. Should I wear black, brown, white or multi-coloured? I settled for turquoise and brown. I woke up early on friday morning and took my time dressing up. I always have this feeling of excitement when I meet Mr.No-Commitment. Suffice to say, I couldnt wait for the day to end, so that I could rush to MidValley for dinner and perhaps, movie. We had planned to watch Transformers a couple of months back but unfortunately, it was going to premiere only next wednesday and there wasn't much choice for an interesting movie.

So work was painfully long and never-ending. My boss kept asking me to do this and that. He had a tendency to ask for things when I am about to leave so I was keeping my fingers crossed that he won't resort to it that Friday. Anyway, 6pm finally came. Yeah, as usual, my boss asked for something at the thirteenth hour. I glared at him and pursed my lips. He knew I had a date with Mr. No-Commitment that night. He smiled sheepishly. 'Sorry ah', and he even had the nerve to wink at me!

So anyway, I got it done and off I went to Midvalley. As usual, as I got nearer, my heart will start pounding nervously. Oh God, what do I do today? Should I make him hold my hands in the cinema if we end up wtching a movie? Should I kiss him? How do I do it? Where? I felt like a criminal, plotting something in my mind.

Just as I got there, he calls and says he'll be a bit late as he is just leaving the office and he told me to go 'window shopping'. So window shopping I went, trying out clothes, shoes, handbags and perfumes. Half an hour later he calls and asks, 'Hey babe, where are you?' Oooo...'babe' I felt excited by that change in how he calls me. My cheeks started to burn and I got butterflies in my stomach. Sigh....

He hugged and kissed me tenderly on both cheeks (heheheheh) when he saw me. I liked the way he touched the small of my back when he pulled me near. So we started talking and talking. See, that's the thing with Mr. No-Commitment. We can talk for hours and I don't have to be afraid that I'll be out of topic. There is never a moment of silence. And this has nothing to do with the fact that I talk a lot too okay. He picked the restaurant this time. He said if he left it to me, we'll end up in Chili's. So we ended up in Little Penang Cafe. We had kuay teow, kerabu and otak-otak. As usual, when I talk, he listens, nods, smiles and make the right sounds at every few minutes. I love this.

We sat there talking till everyone left and the restaurant about to close. Then we adjourned to, yeah you guessed it, Chili's for margharitas. He had Presidente and I had El Nino, which was heaven!! So off course after a few drinks, we laughed easier. Our hands brushed together at different intervals, courtesy of my criminal mind plotting on the way there. At one point he was quite sweet. I was telling him about how I have to go for grooming classes. I have to wear suits to work and I'll either have to wear my hair up in a bun or cut it short. And he looked at me, and said 'Wear your hair in a bun, don't cut it. I like how it falls on your shoulders like that...' I had to restrain myself from jumping up and down. I told myself to breath in and out. But All that came out was an excited smile. And I started touching my hair self-consciously.

Finally it was time to leave. I had to work the next day and he had golf classes. As usual, he walked me back to my car. In my tipsiness, I forgot where I parked it. So we were practically going around in circles, looking for my car. My criminal, plotting mind made me hold on to his hands as walked the parking lot. I had to get some cheap thrill before I left so if it had to boil down to hand-holding than it had to boil down to hand holding. I can't kiss him in the parking lot in full view of others can I? Anyway, he held my hands tight because I was giggling a bit too much. I tell you, if only my friends were there to watch the entire thing, they'd die of laughter lah!

I was never more unhappy to see my car. He found it all too soon. But he took my car keys from me, opened the door and asked repeatedly if I was okay to drive home. I said, 'Yes' and giggled. He cast a worried look at me and started my car for me. 'Call me if you loose your way or once you get home (I have accidently taken wrong turnings home before). Call me if anything okay?' and kiss my right cheek. I smiled like a lovesick teenager and waved my hands gingerly. He smiled and watched me reverse. Once he was sure I could get out of the parking space safely, he walked back into the shopping mall to go to his car.

He called when I was on the way to check if I was okay. How sweet. See? Now you guys know why I like him right? He's nice. He listens when I talk and he doesnt take advantage of me. And, he sents me back to my car. Sayang Mr. No-Commitment!

Miss-Make-A-Fool_Out-Of-Myself!

2009-06-21T04:10:00.000-07:00

I am often like Miss-Make-A-Fool-Out-Of-Myself. Some of my friends have had laughing fits at my expense. Remember Mr.Boobies? Yeah. So recently as everyone already know, I started my new job in a totally whole new environment. Where I used to work, whatever I did on a daily basis does not really allow me to interact with my boss but, It's totally different here. As secretary, I'm supposed to know everything at the back of my hands and ready to jump to do anything asked by my boss, the General Manager. So in the first week that I started, my boss wanted to know which phone number belongs to which phone in the office and he wanted me to have one phone to myself. There were three all together. So he asked me to dial my own mobile number and see which number appears from which phone on the screen of my mobile. In my state of blur-ness, I kept on dialing and dialing a different number, because I was nervous. Sweat started trickling down my back. Then when I finally resigned to the fact that I couldn't get through my number I panicked and asked my boss my number. How silly! Why would he know my number at the back of his head? Needless to say, he looked at me blankly , not to mention oddly, and said, 'huh?' before going back to his work. I felt really silly at that point. Only then my number came flooding back to me. I was perplexed and felt sheepish at the same time. I could only guess what my boss was thinking at that point of time. What kind of silly girl is this to forget her own mobile number? And will she be able to do what I expect of her? God!! I irritate myself! I could just imagine that if my friends from Astro were there, they'd probably have a field day! Well, I'm glad to be of help, even if it means making a clown out of myself. Here's to my friends from Astro, Cheers!

Mr.Want-To-Get-Married

2009-06-21T03:31:00.000-07:00

Recently, Mr.Want-To-Get-Married asked me out on a date. I have only gone out on one date with this guy and we hardly know each other, except for the daily exhange of emails and text messages. Then one day he pops THE question. Through e-mail. He asked me to marry him. Okay. Anyone who knows me really well would know within a second that I wasn't even flattered or moved by it. And it isn't even because I don't want to get hitched again so fast either. This guy is a a bigtime flirt. If I was 20 and he said that to me, yeah, I'd probably fall for him and end up in undisclosed places with him. Unfortunately for him, and fortunately for me, I am close to thirty two and have had more than my share of experiences with lazy words and loose tongues of men who seem to think that these are magic words a.k.a 'Open Sesame!' Well, suffice to say, this 'sesame' ain't gonna open up at the seemingly insincere but otherwise flattering words.

Apparently this guy goes after anything running around in skirts. I'd guess that even a cow dressed up in skirt and pantyhose would appeal to him. When Mr.Want-To-Get-Married popped the question I actually wounded his pride by laughing out loud. I asked him, WHY? Why does he want to marry me and what on earth makes him think that I want to be married?

Answer: He said because I'm a nice person, which made me laugh even further. Excuse the pun, but I don't normally laugh at people but this was totally hilarious. I know I wasn't even remotely nice to him. After he showed up on our date in slippers, I decided that I don't have to sell myself short and settle for this kind of thing. I mean, If I can dress up well to meet someone, why can't someone do the same? vice versa? Is is because they think I'm a divorcee so they don't have to try so hard. Divorcees will fall for any guy right? Wrong. Okay, let's not get too intense. I'll just give all guys the benefit of the doubt.Which means, they treat all women the same, divorced or not. Then he said I'm pretty. So I said, 'Yeah, I know'. Haha. I can be a jerk at times you know. Yeah, another bad trait. But before you judge me let me explain why I become a jerk. Sometimes when I go out with a guy and after that date I realize that I'm just not that into him (maybe because he came on too strong), I do things like that. If they compliment me, I say 'Yeah I know' in hopes that they think I'm a perasan case and stop calling and texting me. This has worked for me in some cases but in this case, it hasn't. And I don't know how to stop it. This guy just keeps trying his luck.

I rely on my instincts a lot these days. And my instincts tell me Mr.Want-To-Get-Married just wants to get into my pants. So I'll be a jerk for as long as I want to. Want to get married! Arghh!! I have two kids for heaven's sakes! Do the guy even realize what kind of responsibility he has to uphold if he wants to marry me? I don't think so. So meanwhile, I have to sabotage myself by pretending to be someone I'm not just so as not to fan his crazy marriage ideas

About Middle Fingers And Creeps

2009-06-21T01:37:00.000-07:00

Malaysians are supposed to be warm, friendly people right? Yeah right!. Forgive me for being a pessimist here a bit but I seriously think these days people are getting to be tad more discourteous than before. Maybe it's the ailing economy. Yeah, let's blame it on the economy. People are moody and get defensive when they think they are being attacked (whatever). It all started out one fine Monday morning...I guess Monday morning blues really get to people. I mean, there I was driving to work, in my own lane, listening to my daily dose of the mix Fm breakfast show, when an ass just cuts in front of my car without signaling. Seriously, signals, side mirrors or rear-view mirrors are there for a reason, not for show. And It wasn't any Kelisa or Kancil, mind you, this was a big ten-seater passenger van. I got a shock and almost swerved into another vehicle in the right lane, in a suit to protect myself and my car. But the second vehicle, who had no idea what had happened seconds before, honked at me and showed me the middle finger. I was shocked and dazed. And what's with the middle finger thing?

A couple of months ago, I was on the way to work along the busy Bukit Jalil stretch, a Kelisa was trying to get in between the cars in a jam packed, two-car lane. The dude seriously thought he could squeeze his way through. Who did he think he was? Bloody f*****g Knight Rider? Seriously. What happened next was inevitable. I could see it coming and frustratingly, I couldn't stop it. The right lane my car was in wasn't even moving and the guy was in the left lane, squeezing his way through. He came straight for my car and knocked my left passenger side mirror. I could only watch in horror as my side mirror came out of its sockets and dangled out. My instant reaction was giving him a loud honk, because that was the only thing I could do. And The guy just turns at me and gave me the middle finger. What an ass! And because of him, I have my rear-view mirror in bandages and everytime I am stuck in traffic, people look at my bandaged side mirror and shake their heads and try their best to take a peek at yours truly. They are probably thinking what a terrible driver I am!.

In another incident, I was driving and looking for a parking space in Bangsar when I entered the lane next to McDonald's. It was after work rush hour and practically everyone was rushing to get a spot to park. So there I was waiting for my turn to turn right back into the main road. There's is an unspoken rule when you drive in a jam that you take turns to get into that road. One car from that lane, one car from this lane. So the other car from the next lane just passed through and next should be my turn. But suddenly, another car from the next lane rushes into the lane that I was going to turn into, honked at me and, yeah, you guessed it, gave me the middle finger! It was a good-looking guy by the way. But a creep all the same.

Really, I think Malaysians are becoming so intense, especially where driving is concerned. People jump cues at traffic lights. People cut into a lane without signaling. They race their silly-reconstructed cars on the highways and endanger the lives of others. Really, and we all wonder why accidents happen. And what is it with the middle-finger-happy spree? As a person who happens to be the object of this abominable gesture, and traumatized by it nevertheless, I would like to say to those people who finds solace in this uncivilized gesture to grow up and get a life!! But maybe I should not take it so personally since they feel better after the deed. Well, do whatever that makes you sleep at night creep!

Don't Allow The Grass To Grow On The Path of Friendship

2009-06-20T07:02:00.000-07:00

"One who looks for friends without faults will never find one" is an old Hasidic (ancient jew, although there are modern hasidics now) saying. This proverb is interesting and quite profound.I fell for it immediately. If a person is searching for the perfect friendship, well, sorry to say, but there isn't really one. I mean, it doesn't exist. Perfect friendships, if there are any, can only be superficial and clearly sits on the surface. If you like to be in a dreamworld where your friends are there to only say good things to you, to fan your idiosyncracies and tell you its okay to do this and to do that when its not, then chances are you won't be in a very satisfied relationship with them. Homer, author of 'The Illiad', the epic story of Troy, said 'A sympathethic friend can be quite as dear as a bother'. This is true. Some friends are so close, they can be passed of unofficially as your sibling. There is nothing like having that kind of friend when you are in trouble, especially when you find it difficult to open your mouth to your actual relative or siblings. I believe, the friends we have around us, not the social butterfly ones, mind you, where they are only there fleetingly and seem to fly off every now and then, but those really close ones you can count on, exist in your life for different reasons. You connect with one friend on one level concerning an issue and its something you see eye to eye with. With another friend, you do agree on a different issue and at the same time you might even disagree with the first friend on this issue. Its nothing to do with your love or friendship with one another when you disagree on an issue. Its just a personal preference. It does not mean that when you are friends, you have to agree on every single issue all the time. If you want friends that agree with you always, then maybe they are not someone you really feel comfortable with, and maybe its time to re-evaluate your feelings and what is it exactly you want out of a friendship. If you have an uncomfortable relationship with someone, you will feel the reluctance to say something in your own opinion or to avoid being too forward with that person. I like to have someone to tell me off once in a while to keep me in check. We can get carried away with things and friends are there to stop us from making a fool out of ourselves. Euripides, considered to be one of the last tragedy writer of classical Athens, writing over 90 plays in his right, said 'One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives'. I love this. It's not that I don't cherish my relatives. I have many cousins who have come to my aid in my time of need and I appreciate them and hold them dear to my heart always. They are cousins, blood is thicker than water and that's why we stand up for each other during tough times. But unfortunately, for every 2 cousins who were there for me, there were 10 more relatives who were not supportive. This is a big ratio. For each 10 relatives who were unsupportive, I have one friend who were be so dear to me that I am overwhelmed with their kindness which never wavered even when the bad times are seemingly over and I'm back on my toes. My hats off to them. I will never forget them and their kindness. These are people who are not blood related but yet, they are able to look pass all that, to lend a hand or give me a shoulder to cry on. I love all my friends. Sometimes it is difficult to hear something you might not want to hear from a close friend, but that's what they are there for, to keep us grounded, to keep us on our toes. As we grow older or move forward, we should be around people we love and who treat us like a member of their family. It's the ultimate recognition and acceptance you'll find in your quest for friendship.

Procrastination

2009-05-31T06:30:00.000-07:00

I have a bad trait. Its procrastination. When I was in standard six, i used to go for tuition and leading to the door of the tuition centre, in bold capital letters, on a piece of paper plastered on the wall, it said "Procrastination is the thief of time". And i remember it till today. Because, it is my middle name. I love leaving things to be done at the last minute. From small, simple issues like, leaving it till the last minute to send my material to the tailor to sew clothes for Hari Raya. Or leaving it till the last minute to renew my license. To more serious things like putting off making a police report for my lost car, putting off my divorce case year after year (It's done now though).There are many, many things i do till the last minute. It's really bad and I blame it all on my father. Hehe....(Yeah, someone's gotta take the blame for it and it sure hell isn't gonna be me.) I think i got that trait from him. I see him procrastinating all the time. We procrastinators like to challenge things around us in a scarily easy-going manner. Its not that we want to challenge life but whatever the reason, it isn't something that should be condoned. Abraham Lincoln once said, "Things might come to those who wait, but only those things which are left behind by those who hustle". So true. I know I have to change my attitude. As I grow older, I have come to terms with my shortcomings, my imperfectness and everything else that use to make me think that I am not as good enough as the person next to me. But as I progress on, I have come to terms with the fact that there are some things in life I can't change and there are some things in life I can change. And for those that I seemingly can't, like maybe a prominent feature on my face which I was never happy about-well, to hell with that. I have accepted myself the way I am. This is how God created me and I am now fine with it. Maybe I wasn't appreciative enough before, but, hey, there are people out there who have facial deformities and here I am complaining about a crooked nose. Yeah. And I realize that when I came to terms with who I am, what I am, How I look like, I actually like myself better. I am more comfortable in my own skin. And I carry myself better than the days when I was seemingly chronic and moronic. And for those things that I can change, well, I look forward to making myself a better person. I am analyzing those things I don't like about myself. I'm proud that I can admit my faults, failures and disabilities. Not all people are able to do that. Not all people have the ability to analyze themselves as they go along in their daily lives, walking around with eyes wide shut at their own faults while micro scoping the faults of others. We are only humans. If we are perfect, then it means we are divine, which we are not. I have a long way to go before I can be really happy with my soul, but at least I am aware that I have faults and want to change. Its a lot more than I can say for some people around me. It may take many more years before I stop being a procrastinator, but I really hope I get there. I hope I won't be the case of 'You can't teach an old dog new tricks'. God, I hope not. Because procrastination is indeed the thief of time and I am cheating myself of having a good life.

The Company You keep

2009-05-21T00:41:00.000-07:00

The friends you choose reflect the kind of person you really are.. If you run with wolves, you will learn to howl. But if associate with the eagles, you will learn how to soar to great heights. "A mirror reflects a man's face, but what he is really like is shown by the kind of friends he chooses". The simple but true fact of life is that you become like those whom you closely associate-for the good or bad.

The less you associate with some people, the more your life will improve. Anytime you tolerate mediocrity in others, it increases your mediocrity. An important attribute in successful people is their impatience with negative thinking and pessimism. As you grow, your friends will change. Some of them will not want you to go on. They will want you to stay where they are. Friends that don't help you climb will want you to crawl. Your friends will help you shape and achieve you dreams or choke your vision. Those that don't increase will eventually decrease you

Remember:
Never receive counsel from unproductive people.
Never discuss your problems with someone incapable of contributing to the solution, because those who never succeed themselves are always the first ones to tell you how.
Not everyone has a right to speak into your life. You will get the worse of the bargain when you exchange ideas with the wrong person.
Don't follow anyone who's not going anywhere.
With some people you spent an evening, with others, you invest in it.
Be careful where you stop and inquire for directions along the road of life.
Wise is the person who fortifies his life with the right friendship.

Happy Moments? Praise God
Difficult Moments? Seek God
Quiet Moments? Worship God
Painful Moments? Trust God
Every Moment? Thank God

Where You Habour The Ship

2009-05-18T23:21:00.000-07:00

There is an old ancient Chinese saying...okay I'm not too sure of the EXACT line, but it goes something like this 'It's not where you harbour the ship, it's where you anchor it. Sometimes when the anchor lands in the wrong place, it loosens with tide. When its in the right place, it does not go anywhere no matter how strong the current or wind. My boss said it. He always has old ancient Chinese sayings to say.

Is it not profound? I absolutely love that particular saying. The Chinese have many ancient sayings and proverbs which are so meaningful not to mention brilliantly put. God has put everyone here on earth for a reason. How we make it better for ourselves and how we sail ourselves to a particular destination is entirely up to us. We have the potential to change our lives for good or for bad. If we lead our ship to treacherous waters, just because we did not think ahead to chart the journey...i mean, there could a water hole in that particular stretch of the ocean, just waiting to suck you in...we could land ourselves in trouble. Oh, nobody knows in which point of their lives that they will end up anchoring in shallow waters...meaning we don't know where we'll end up right? But, the point is to chart the course of action. We have to have an action plan. What is it that we want to do, what is it we hope to achieve, where is it we hope to end up and with whom.

Without proper planning, we are just like a ship in the harbour...with no directions...all tied down to the anchor. We don't even know where to go and what to do. yes, off course some people want to be like the speed boat or a jet ski...rushing around here and there with hopes to get to their destinations faster but, the irony of it is that, they do get there faster, but where? They're all over the place without proper planning. Oh yes, they have fun...I mean, the adrenaline rush you get when you are in the fast lane, doing things you are not suppose to do and the excitement that comes with it...I guess, for a while, it really is exciting. But in the end, when you really want to anchor somewhere, that is when you realize that all you have is some measly beach, totally different from what you expected in your haste and rush to get there faster than everyone else.

But if the ship in the harbour is anchored up tightly there. She's all sure that's where she wants to be. This is what makes her happy to be where she is. Because ultimately, she has chartered her course of life and planned her journey to the destination very well thought of, and she leads her ship with ease throughout her entire journey. Oh, there could be rain, thunderstorms, icebergs ahead...but after all of it has died down, she is happy. Just happy to be there.

I guess we should all think about ourselves for a minute. What makes us who we are. Is it family? Is it the friends that surrounds us? Our environment? What are the plans that we have made for ourselves? How do we get there? Are we even halfway there? What about our dreams of becoming this or that? Wanting to do this and that? Are we strong enough for the journey? Are our emotions and feelings in control? What happens when we fail? You can only succeed when you have fail, how else would you have the experience to learn and make it better right?

I was driving to work today thinking about how my world seems to be falling apart to pieces on one side but picking up on the other side. And i laughed at its irony. I could only feel the love of God flowing through me. I'm so happy to be alive, limbs in tact. I'm so happy i have these big beautiful eyes to see the beauty around me and to utter words from my mouth. I need to anchor, but at the moment, this ship is still sailing around looking for a harbour. I don't know where it is yet. I'm the sort of person that charts my course from point to point. I have a lot to learn. I see rocky waters up ahead but I'm looking forward for an uneventful journey because an eventful journey is boring. But hopefully not too many 'iceberg's ahead' too many times. I'd like to anchor soon. Don't you?

Motherhood for Dummies

2009-05-10T20:38:00.000-07:00

I seriously think there should be a publication for this. A little while ago, i had been very busy at work and felt awful for neglecting my kids. It was the pre-Chinese New Year period and there was tons of workload and i kept on leaving the office after 8pm daily. For a while, i felt awful but as routine sets in, i didn't really worry so much for coming home late. After all, the kids had their toys, Disney cd's not to mention all the children's programs on the Astro TV. Maybe if I keep on repeating this over and over again, I'll actually feel better. Yeah, who am i kidding?

Then one day when i came home i saw my kids asleep already and i felt like a terrible mom. I mean, it's not easy being a single mom. Other kids have another parent around when they work late. My kids have the live-in maid. This single issue kept playing in my mind. So i decided that I'll give them a treat on Friday. I'd come home and take them out to the local mall, Jusco, about fifteen minutes drive from my apartment. I felt better. At least i had plans for the kids drawned up that weekend.

So Friday came and i left work early, to be home early, to have a cup of coffee and get refreshed a little before i take my kids out. I told my maid to dress them up, and out they came from their room looking like the two most adorable cherubs on earth. I was so pleased. So my maid packed up their milk and change and off we went, with my kids laughing and giggling noisily as we made our way into the basement to the car. I felt like the world's greatest mom, i tell you. I made myself feel better by pretending that this was an everyday occurrence.

Once we got there, i put my son, the cheekiest and the world's most inquisitive child I've ever known, into the stroller and buckled him up. He yelled in protest but settled down after realizing he was getting nowhere by doing so. I dislike children holding tantrums. In public is even worse. So i held my daughters hands and with my maid pushing my son in the stroller next to me, we stepped into the elevator and down we went to the first floor. I wanted to take my kids to MPH Bookstore. My children love books. And they had a variety of books for kids.

So there i was choosing books for my children. My daughter was pointing out the books she wanted. All on Barbie's, ponies, fairies. My son wanted books on dinosaurs, trains and cars, and god forbid, put his stubby little fingers on a children's masak-masak set. My son loves those things but I'm getting a teeny bit worried here. Is it okay to let him play with girls toys? There are a few theories to why he likes playing with girly toys is because, one, he doesn't have a male role model directly at home. He sees my dad only at weekends. So he does not really know the difference between the girly stuff and the boyish stuff. Two, my daughter plays with her toys all the time and my son loves to grab toys from her and claims them as his own. Then they will start squabbling and screaming. You can imagine what girly toys are right? Barbie dolls and such. God. They should teach us something. Like how to handle these issues. I have zero knowledge on this.

So back to the store. As i was busy picking out the books, whem suddenly my maid gave a cry and in a split second, my son jumped out from his stroller and bolted out of the door! My maid ran out after him. I, too let go of all the books i was holding, grabbed my daughters hands and ran out of the MPH entrance in time to see my son jumping on the escalator and my maid in tow, grabbing him by the shoulder. My son screamed in delight as he thought it was the best catching game ever. I mean, what can be more fun than jumping on the escalator in a state of euphoria and looking down through the glass right? Right. If you were three. I wanted to smack him. But the only thoughts running through my mind then was, that's it. Someone is going to kidnap my son and my maid. The area has been known for its reputation as a crime scene area with kidnapping of children and snatch thefts. CSI would have a ball game should they reach these shores. I shudder in horror at the thought.

Anyway, lo and behold, my maid came back down the return escalator, my mischevious son in tow. I thought thats it. I'll go get the books and leave the mall as soon as i can. So we went back into the store. I grabbed whatever books i could, quickly paid for it. My heart was beating wildly. It could have been worse, what just happened. My hands shook as i paid and walked out. I told my maid we were going home. So we took the lift and went to the parking area. My son, who didn't want to to be strapped in the stroller again, sprinted accross the parking bays, a avoided being hit by an on-coming car just by inches!. My heart skipped a few beats. This is not good for my health. I ran to catch my son, who seems to think its a game. I had to swallow in my embarrasement as onlookers shook their heads in disgust.

I took a deep breath and manage to put the kids and the maid in the car. When i got in i realized that i haven't paid my parking ticket. This is really not my day. I told the kids to be quiet and told my maid to hold on to them tight and I'll be back in a jiffy. I went out and stood in line of a couple of people. I was tapping my feet as the cashier was taking too long to do her job. After paying, i walked to my car and as i got nearer, my knees almost buckled. I left the engine running and now my car was nowhere to be seen! Don't panic i told myself. I walked nearer. As i got there, i could slowly see my car making its way back into the parking bay. I breathed a sigh of relief. But the three men pushing my car slowly into the parking lot wasn't amused. One of them asked me, 'Is this yours?!'. I could only nod. I could barely speak. I gulped and got into my car and closed my eyes. After a few minutes I opened it and asked my maid what happened. Apparently, my daughter knocked the car to reverse gear when she climbed from the front seat to the back seat. Luckily the car didn't knock or injure anyone. My mind was reeling from all the could have's.

I drove back in silence. I thanked God Almighty for sparing me or any ordeal worse that what just happened. But i vowed never to take my kids to any shopping mall alone again, ever. Not even when i feel guilty. I was being irresponsible just because I felt guilty. I chastised myself for putting my kids and the maid in danger. The mat sallehs in the movies makes it look so easy. Packing their kids and going to shopping malls. But i just realize that it just that. A set. It isn't real. All mothers try to care for their children as best as they can. But nothing can be done if the situation gets out of control unintentionally.

There should be a book 'Motherhood for Dummies'. I mean there are so many things we have to learn. Everday is a new day. New issues to handle. I mean, everyone told me i'd be a good mother, but I'm not so sure. People tell me, take the kids out once in a while and let them have fun. And see what happens when i do that. Some say don't give kids too much candy or chocolates else they be hyperactive on a sugar-high and others say, why are you depriving the children of treats made for them?. Some say give the kids more fruits and others say dont give too much bananas, papayas and watermelons because its cold and brings a bout of wind in their tummies. Some way don't hit your children but others say thats the only way to discipline them. Some like their kids to jump around, scream and just be themselves as that's what kids do but i can't stand naughty children who jump around sofas and coffee tables, not in my own house and certainly not in someone else'. Well, I'm a dummy through and through when it comes to raising children but i hope not to go from dumb to dumber as i grow older. Some people let their kids run wild in a relative's house because they think its okay. But children needs to learn discipline and if we don't teach them the rules and guide them from an early start, they start being rude and take advantage of you as time goes by.

Men are from Mars? Yes, they are!

2009-04-24T02:32:00.000-07:00

Okay so remember that whole men are from Mars, Women are from Venus article i wrote a little while back? Remember the guy who wasn't ready for commitment? The guy i kinda fancy? Well, yours truly went out on a date with him last night. Hehe...

It all started (again) like this...After i left my previous company and embarked on a new exciting journey into the world of the unknown (hmm...sounds dark and twisty...it's not. Its just a whole new alien industry for me), Mr.No-Commitment hardly calls or texts. For a while it was irritating and I can't recall how many times my fingers were just itching to pick up my phone to call him. Then came the next phase where i thought, ah, to hell with him. I mean, why am i going on and on about him when I know already what he wants is really to have a relationship with no strings attached. I swore never to go out with him ever. Even if he begged on his knees i won't. So there. I'll show him. There, I was feeling better already.

Then last week i e-mailed him my new e-mail add. Still no reply. God, how irritating. But i know he's not the sort of person to simply ignore me without reason. So giving him the benefit of the doubt, i went on my usual activities...I got a text message. Yay! He has been busy. Hmm. Okayyy...Then somehow the topic of movie came up and we decided to watch a movie. Wolverine. Immediately after our date was confirmed, i called one of my girlfriends. I said, 'Guess what?! Guess who asked me out?!' I asked excitedly. My girlfriend was equally excited. 'Oh my god, who ah...' she was trying to think and came up with a string of names of all the guys i was currently either dating or yeah, well, um, dating. Hehe. When she volunteered the fifth wrong name, i got impatient and blurted out Mr.No-Commitment's name. She started laughing and said 'Oh my god, i thought someone said she's never ever going to go out with him again,' she mimicked what i said just a couple of weeks back. I just giggled innocently and promised to tell her everything when i got back from the date. Really, i felt like a 17 year old on a date rather than a matured 32 year old mother of two.

So off i went getting ready for my date on Saturday. I washed and blew my hair (but not at Aunty's place!), then i had threading done, i waxed my legs, i painted my fingernails and toenails...I was so busy getting ready. I wore my decent yet sexy top. It had to be decent because i was at my parent's place and sexy to attract Mr.No-Commitment but not over the top, I don't want to appear crude or vulgar.

So as i was driving to Mid Valley, I got a bit of stage fright. I had all this plan drawned up of how to make him hold my hands but as i got nearer, i was freaking out. What if i said something stupid? And anybody who knows me better KNOWS what I'm capable of saying or doing to make a fool out of myself. At anytime. It holds no boundaries whatsoever. Anytime, anyplace.

In panic, i called a girlfriend but she didn't pick up the call. The i called another one. She too didn't pick up my call. Then the first girlfriend called back. Thank God. I asked her what to do. Mind you, she's 26. Well, i really need help. I haven't done these things in a while. She said, whatever i do, DON'T bring my shawl. Okay. What movie are you watching? English? Tamil? If its English, it will end in one and a half hour. So sometime after the first half an hour, turn to the guy and mention something about the air-condition being cold. He will catch the drift. Trust me, she says. And i went like, Aha..and how old is your boyfriend babe? She giggles and says 27. Great. Mr.No-Commitment is 39. It probably won't work on him. He'll probably tell me to bring my shawl the next time. Nooo, it works on all men says my girlfriend swears confidently.

So with great confidence i parked my car and went in. Ready for the battle. He found me wandering, looking around me, trying to pick a landmark to write and save in my phone so i wouldn't loose my way later. He looked good. My heart did flip-flops. I chastised my betraying heart for feeling that. He said he bought the tickets and let's have dinner. So off we went, chatting and laughing till we reached the restaurant, which was packed obviously since its a Saturday night. After we sat, we ordered, the food and margaritas came...the both of us were laughing easily by then, the after effects of margaritas. Oh, what bliss...We chatted till it was five minutes to ten until i reminded him that the movie was at ten. He called for the check, paid, and off we went to the cinema.

We sat down. Me at the end. I could tell it was going to be very, very, cold. I wondered if i had been too hasty in not bringing my shawl just for the sake of getting some action for myself. No time to feel remorseful now. The commercials came on and i was giggling at each and every one of it. I can't remember now for the life of me what the commercials were all about. But it must have been funny. Really. Then the movie started and i excitedly watched it, grabbing his arms every now and then when i felt 'scared'. I was warming up.

About halfway into the show, his arms and my arms were both on the armrest of our seat, when he reached out and slowly rubbed my arms. 'Feeling cold?' he asked, looking at me. Yes, i said, nodding my head gingerly, and pretending i couldn't do anything about it now since i don't have my shawl and all. I was thanking God silently in my heart for letting him bring up the subject first. Imagine if i had to do it. 'Put you fingers here' he whispered softly as he guided my cold fingers to the folds of his arms. My mind was not on the movie now. Thank god, I've already watched it at the premiere with my girlfriends! But it was getting colder. My right hands were freezing. I said, 'It's so cold!' and held out my hands for him to touch. He touched my hands 'God your fingers are freezing!' he exclaims and takes them into his hands and started rubbing them. He was being very sweet. I sigh happily and rested my head on his shoulders. Mission accomplished. Not bad.

So the movie ended, all too soon for me. I was sad when it ended. My little rendezvous ended too. So on my way home, i was thinking about the whole thing all the way. I called my girlfriend and told her he held my hands and she was laughing and laughing. I was laughing too. Yeah. That little gesture made me happy. So here's the question. Are men really from Mars? They must be. They are aliens even to themselves. They don't know what they want. Someone has to spell it out to them and then they realize it. I mean, why say something one minute and do something totally contradicting the very next minute right? They don't know what they have until they loose it. Silly creatures. And they think they are macho.

As for me, after the very long conversation i had tonight with another girlfriend. I've had this friend since i was 14. That's a damn long time. One of my dearest friends. This is what i told her. I want to be the new age woman. I want to be in charge. I want to be the one to be able to pick and choose the guy i want to go out with. I will be forward with them when I want to. I will kiss them when I want to. I am not going to give them the option of being the anointed one, the chosen one, to make decisions (or at least decisions at this stage. They can be the manly-man later), where for centuries, it has been in the male jurisdiction to make decisions. We women of the 22nd century have to start changing ourselves for our own benefits. Do what we want, do what we think is right. Go for it. By letting men be just who they are, they will never be humble and down to earth just like how we women have been made to feel in the last few hundred years.

I saw this movie on HBO. Elizabeth: The Golden ages. Queen Elizabeth was a known as a virgin queen because she never married until her death, at the age of 70. She had suitors, which included Sir Walter Raleigh, the handsome pirate who discovered the new world. She never once made herself to feel that she was the unlucky one because she wasn't married or couldn't find a husband. Instead, in her elegant demeanor, she exudes charm and grace and made herself out to be the one in power. And that she was the one who should choose, and if there was no one befitting for a women of her intelligence and manner, then she chose to be alone. She turned down all suitors. She's amazing. She called all the shots. That's who we must be like too.

Oh, for crying out loud!

2009-04-23T05:23:00.000-07:00

Last week my parents invited some friends for dinner and i wanted to get my hair done so people wouldn't think I'm the god forsaken 31 year old daughter of Mr.my father and Mrs.my mother, who is divorced with two kids, wears revealing clothes and has very bad, messy, hair to top it all. My sister always has perfect hair.

So off i went, driving on the quiet streets of Melawati, on a super hot sunday afternoon. The late afternoon sun was a bit too sunny for my liking. A strawberry sunday would be just the thing to cool off...or a dip in the pool.

I'm digressing. That's what heat does to you, in case you didn't already know. It makes you hallucinate. So anyway, i parked my car and went in Sally's Hairdresser Shop. It was one of those olden day kinda of haircut joint where old aunties with opera like make up and penciled or tattooed brows would sit down sipping tea and gossiping noisily about how Ah Mei, Poh Yan's grand daughter, who by the way just came back from Perth, is seeing a Dato's son or how Ah Chai, Major Yap's son two lanes down, has shocked everyone by marrying inter-racially (shocking!) a year ago without telling anyone or how the three girls of Mrs. so and so came back drunk last night in revealing clothes and while laughing noisily, they accidently triggered the alarm to their house, which made an awful wailing sound, causing old Mrs boo hoo from next door to yell at them through the window, shaking her walking sick, which made the girls laugh even louder. Badly brought up girls they say with a huff. The conversations were done while they had their heads in curlers or steamers.

So in i went, my messy hair in a ponytail, wagging behind me. All of a sudden, a middle age lady whom I had never seen before, jumped in front of me. I retreated my steps a little at her sudden move. "hallo we have a special offer today. Just today only mah. You can steam your hair and then we blow for you for eighty ringgit only". I stared at her. "Oh no, i just want to wash and blow. How much would it cost?" I asked. I had been there a few times and i knew it would cost around fifteen ringgit.

"Owh, your hair ah, very long one...why don't you get a haircut oso? Got split ends mah, tsk tsk" she said, clicking her tingue and shaking her head and scruitinizing my hair closely. Ok, at this point, i was feeling slightly harrased. I looked at her, and putting on my most no-nonsense face and in my most no-nonsense voice, said pointedly, "I just want a haircut and i want to know how much it cost".

She wasn't in the least bit perturbed by my obvious irritation. "But it cost the same oni to cut, wash and blow" she insisted, staring back at me. "Yeah, but i'm in a hurry so i just need a wash and blow," I said, and finished of that tiny white lie with a little smile. At the moment, Sally, the owner walked by as asked her what's going on. So i turned to Sally and pretended Aunty wasn't there. "Hi, i just want to wash and blow my hair" my sentence was neither a statement nor was it a question. I was obviously uncomfortable at the point. She couldn't look at my face as she knew that i knew how much it'll cost. They exchanged a few words in cantonese and Aunty said, "Ok, ok, sit...". Finally! I thought as i sat on the designated hair-cutting chairs with stray hair on it's seat.

But she wasn't done yet. "So what shampoo you want to use ah? We got herbal, medicated, with hot oil treatment or the normal one. But your scalp ah, is very dry one, so i suggest you use the herbal one ah..is very goood," She stretched the word good to five seconds. "Ok, yes," I said curtly, not wanting to prolong any conversaion with her. She was irritating me.

"Good" she said, again in that stretched five seconds. The without warning, she picks up a satchet from the trolley next to her, cuts it off with a pair of scissors and poured the entire content onto my head. I was looking at her antics through the mirror. The she started massaging my hair roughly and quickly as though she was kneeding dough. I felt so harrassed!. I looked at her and said, "Can you please do it gently, you are hurting my scalp". Without even looking at me, she says, "But you in a hurry whaaat...so i do quickly for you mah, don't wan't you to be late". Was it me or did she just say that purposely to spite me? Hmm...I looked around. The other two indonesian girls were busy with someone else. I really felt like walking away and i would have if it wasnt for the fact that my hair was wet and soapy.

My mobile phone beeped and i took it. As i was replying, without warning, she says "Come, wash now". I pretended not to hear hear and continued to reply to my sms when she tugged my hair and said, "Come wash your hair or you'll be late". I looked at her from the mirror, snapped my handphone into my handbag, gave a loud, irritating sigh and stood up with a huff.

After i sat on the deck chair at the washing area and positioned myself comfortably, she turned on the shower and sprayed water on my hair, and large amounts of water started pouring on my back. "Uh, there's water dripping on my back," I said, shifting uncomfortably. "Ya lor, you never sit properly wan...I was in UK for five years ah, and this is how they wash hair there you know..." She said with pride. I was thinking yeah, in chinatown maybe. Then she asked, "What shampoo you use ah?". I really wanted her to stop talking but it seems a very farfetched notion. I took a deep breath and said, "Vidal Sassoon". Must i discuss my toilettries with her? All i want is a wash and a blow, is that too difficult to ask? God. "Owh, Johnson and Johnson ah...that one for babies...you are a big girl so must use better quality one mah...no wonder your hair very thin one" She said happily nodding her head. Like she was Agatha Christie, happy that she solved a mystery. I just looked at the ceiling, wondering when its going to end...

Finally she hastened me to get up and tied my hair in a small towel, but not before wiping my ears like i was a child of seven. "Okay, now you sit. I get three people to blow your hair because you are in a hurry".

"I'm not in that of a hurry" I said through gritted teeth, as i walked back to my seat. But she didnt hear me, or pretended not to hear me and the next thing i know, three people, including her, were blowing my hair in all directions.

I was done in a record of ten minutes. And she charged me twenty five ringgit. What the f....!! I didn't want to waste my time nor my energy there anymore. So i paid and walked out vowing never to come back. I just wanted a wash and blow for crying out loud!

But atleast my hair looked presentable during dinner and i forgot about the incident a little while later as guests arrive and complimented my sister on her hair. Oh, the irony of life....

A Fishy Story...

2009-04-22T09:01:00.000-07:00

Hmm...something has been bothering me lately.

Remember the saying "If you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it is yours, if it doesn't it was never meant to be?' Well, whoever invented that is a moron. Seriously. I mean, really. It should start with "If you love SOMEONE, put him on a leach , he's difficult enough to find without you trying to set him free!"

I'm all for going after the one i like. I mean, if you like the guy, go ahead and let him know right. What's so wrong with it? Gone are the days where a girl have to wait till the guy gives the go ahead sign. The green light to go further with the relationship. Why do we let ourselves be subjected to such consternation? Why do we let the guys call the shots?

If you like, or ok love, someone, let him know! Carpe diem! Seize the day! If he doesn't like you in return, well, So what?! Guys don't think much when they go after the girl they really like. Do you think they need to stop and think, 'oh my god, what if she doesn't like me?. Even if they do, its a tiny percentage, a fraction of the actual number of men plus they don't really care anyway if the girl they kinda fancy is not into them. Reason? Well, there are plenty of other fishes in the sea.

Similarly, we gals should adopt the same attitude when we see a guy we fancy. Chances are, the guy will be flattered. And even if you guys don't hit off, so what?! I mean, the excitement of actually taking charge of yourself and your destiny will really make it worth the while. We should take things a day at a time. Be more lenient with ourselves. Yeah, we can be so hard on ourselves.

We diet, we exercise, we eat vegetables or take yogurt and even drink just milk to bring our weight down because we think men will like us more if we look like a wafer or a cracker. We go shopping, buy new clothes that flatter our looks, buy new shoes to flatter our feet, buy new handbags to flatter our image. We paint our faces to soften our looks and make us sweeter...all because we hope that the guy we like will notice us and fall for us. Would a guy do the same for a girl? Umm..i don't think so mate!

I don't see a guy buying clothes, shoes or perfume to flatter a woman. Hell, they are probably drinking milk out of a box because there's nothing else in the refrigerator and they are thirsty or hungry (there is only one, ONE, signal transmission to the brains for hunger, thirst, sex, work, women, sex, boobs, hunger...the list goes on and on). And if you happen to see a guy buying all that for someone's attention, it is probably for a guy coz he's gay, so it doesn't matter and it still comes down to the same point. Men are self centered as they think the world revolves around them and if it doesn't the world is about to end. Example, when a man is sick, everything must come to a standstill because he is sick. Sick means almost like he's dying. Of the common flu. When a woman is sick, she still gets up, dress up and show up. She's so strong, despite a sniffle or two here and there.

So when a woman finds the man of her dreams, so to say, she should go for it. Grab him before anyone else does man! Exert yourself so that no one else gets him. Because if you don't, well...remember the story about a thousand fishes in the sea...yeah, so don't dilly dally. Keep him on a tight leach. But not tight enough for people to start wondering who wears the pants though...that could be damaging to your alter ego. But you catch the drift right?...Don't, by all means, let him go unless it isn't worth it.

This is the 22nd century. We should surge forward. Men and women are equal now right? RIGHT? Yeah right. There's still a long way more to go for that to happen but we women of today can start changing the common perception that allows men to be in charge of the dating scene and monopolize it. Go for it. Ask them out for a date. Dump them! Seriously they won't know what hit them! And so what if they are not into you? There are many other fishes in the sea. Yeah, still with the fish story. Only time differentiates the fact if you've got the fish now or later. Fish again. I got a fixation with it. Ok not me, but a close friend and i think it's rubbed on to me a little. Ok I'm digressing here a bit...but to get back to the point...

A guy told me the other day that women cheats as well. This is what i answered him. Women are naturally intelligent and are fast learners. That's why we mature faster than boys anyway. Men cheat first and now women are slowly getting the hang of it and are learning very fast from their male counterparts. The dark ages have gone and the new age of enlightenment has dawned. If a women cheats, there must be some logic reason behind it, for we are not philanderer's by nature. And, if men are complaining now about how many women cheat these days, it's because they are just sour that women are beating them at their own game, and winning too! I say, never cheat on a woman. My friend, needless to say, was speechless.

Motherhood

2009-04-18T19:05:00.000-07:00

Motherhood

Motherhood is nature's way of balancing the good and the bad. I have learned not to swear so much...I have learned that to be a good parent means to learn through trial and error. There is no right or wrong. There is no specific way of doing something. I also learned that just because your parents did it their way, does not mean that your way is wrong. Above all, i learned respect.

Respect. I read an article the other day about a woman whose husband kept on complaining how rude the kids are then the next minute he shouts and yells at them, telling them to get him this, to get him that without even saying please. I tell you...if only i could kick his ass...I like to live by the following words. "Lead by example". Simple and yet so profound.

Children are fast learners. They pick up every word, every gesture, every move, easily. I don't know. I get horrified when i see people picking on their kids. Personally, i talk to my kids as though they understand every single word i say. I have been doing that since day one for both my kids. No baby talks. No rudeness. Just plain, simple old fashion talk. With authority off course.

Like if i ask my kids to do something, i always say please at the end. I give them the respect they deserve and they do it willingly. I'm happy to report that when they want me to do something for them, they say please. It's really nice. I'm so proud of them and at myself. I mean, there was a time when i was doubtful i could be a good mom, a good single mom at that. But all these little achievements make me realize I'm not too bad after all and I'm better than some examples that surrounds me.

Doormat or Flying Carpet?

2009-04-18T08:55:00.000-07:00

A couple of months ago, my immediate superior at the office reprimanded my work and referred to the whole thing as me not using my brains, all the while pointing towards her head. She even said she didn't know whether to laugh or to cry at my schedule. Now, this is not the first time it has happened. This would be the third maybe fourth time. I'm thinking she's on a roll here. Where or what is the boundary set at in respect to the way you talk to someone not only in the workplace but even between friends, cousins or siblings?

The incident at the office left me angry. How dare she talk to me in that manner! And it wasn't even remotely discreet. She made it as loud as possible. What was she trying to prove? Excuse the pun, but my job was only scheduling, which meant planning some sort of strategy on the content of my channels. Not difficult. Easy. Piece of cake. But she always took her job too seriously, thus reprimanding me and a fellow colleague (who is pregnant...) on our scheduling patterns. I mean, i consider myself to be reasonably open to criticisms. I say reasonably because I'm reasonable. I can take criticisms to a certain extend. I'd say my threshold to pain has tripled the past years due to the emotional and the psychological pain endured. And I'm only human.

But being a doormat. I smiled and walked away, chastising myself for not being able to speak up. I can never do it. Then when the moment has passed, i get angry with myself for letting people get away with how they treat me and talk to me.

In our conservative Asian culture, we were brought up never to talk back to our elders. But i have to say respect has a lot to do with how we react. If the boundaries are pushed over and over again. If our elders speak to us with disrespect, then we really must speak up or forever hold our tongues and suffer internally. Respect is earned not handed over on a silver platter. As much as our culture literally prohibits us to be disrespectful, it is pretty much lopsided in terms how they judge based pn age. Younger people are not allowed to be rude but older people can and when someone younger is rude, they are labeled as many things.

Then again what about younger people being rude to their elders? Sometimes it can be quite a dilemma, especially when people you love, admire or respect are rude and totally disregards your feelings.

In conclusion as i grow older and want to do so gracefully, i imagine myself to transforming into a flying carpet. Doormats are so yesterday. Flying carpet is the new age doormat. I may still not be able to tell people off all the time but i will try at least. See the thing is i get stupefied when something is thrown directly on my face. I'm not for one to immediately jump in fits of rage. But i must do it for my own sake. Otherwise what's to become of me, my integrity and what i believe in.

As much as i might want to fly off the handle, i believe in this saying. "A smart person knows what to say all the time, but a wise person knows when not to say it". Yes. The flying carpet syndrome by farah nazneen. See sometimes its not about standing up for yourself. Its about being more mature. See when you say something mean to someone, at that particular moment, all is lost. The respect given to you is taken away drastically. The person then treats you just as how you treated them. So, you want respect, give it first.