To Date Or Not To Date: Continous Heads On Collision Into Date-Land

It seems that for the past year or so, I have been on a mission. Looking back, I realize that I must have wanted something from these dates that I so willingly allow myself to be subjected to countless of emotions. It was not a roller coaster ride. Hardly any emotions involved. Rather, it was like riding on a bullet train. Speedy and impersonal. Not that I didn't enjoy it. But it got me thinking this inevitable question: What is it that I really want? Loneliness creeps in at odd intervals, playing and tugging at my emotional chords.

One of the man I currently date asked me a question: Is it the quantity or quality that constitute the substantial predicament that I so willingly land myself in?. As I ponder on this question, I realize that it's not an easy one to answer because, one, it might make me look like some cheap-o who allows herself to be courted by so many men (not that anything really happens anyway) and two, it makes me feel that people can and will undermine my judgment, and no matter how i justify it, I still look like a cheap-o anyway. Sigh. I will loose hands down.

Let's analyze this issue with me. I am thirty-three years old. I am divorced with two kids. What should I hope or ask for in a relationship? Looking from a relative's point of view, an aunt told me this, 'Farah, you are still very young. Find a husband and get married'. Really? I mean, seriously, did she think it's that easy? Been there, done that. It didn't work out. So, live with it. Do people really think that marriage is a solution to everything? Let's get religion out of the way here, since all of us know that the noblest thing for a divorced Muslim woman to do would be to get married and not to live life promiscuously, as it is the common stigma and notion attached to us. Relatives, also it seems, think that their divorce family member deserves to marry a single man. Hmm. Question: If your son/nephew/brother marries a divorcee with two kids, what would your reaction be? Forgive me if I'm wrong, but the most distinctive and initial reaction would be utmost shock and non-acceptance (okay, let's not dramatize and over-generalize. Not everyone's reaction will be that, but, then again...)

Let's not even talk about marriage. Well, at least not yet. Finding the right candidate itself is not easy. So this is the part where I try to justify myself. I go on a date-spree. Serial-dating, I call it. Some find it humorous. Others don't. I don't lie to the guys I date. I am a self-proclaimed realist. I am open and am very frank with them about my stand on serial-dating. Some can take it, some can't. Some stay. Some go. I don't stop them, as much as they want me to. Years ago, I would never have thought of doing this. Girl with well brought-up background-who were taught to chew our food quietly, who do not ask for second servings or jump on a couch and be naughty in someone's house less we wish to be pinched inconspicuously underneath the table- just don't serial-date. That world would be unheard of, taboo. We were brought up , all prim and proper, sent off to college, graduate with a good degree and then marry into a good family. Girls with good upbringings just don't go and get divorced. But, the reality is, divorce happens. It knows no boundaries. It's like cancer. it can strike any moment. I am very much open about my divorce as compared to before. I have become an extrovert. Gone are the days where good girls keep their divorce (horrors!) sub-rosa or incognito, an obscure secret. Keeping it obscure is a cardinal sin, paramount to wearing a corset, all tight, leaving you breathless, and your boobs squashed and pushed and all you really want to do is just to tug at the hooks on the back of the corset to free it. And once it comes off, you breath a sigh of relief and you won't want to put in on again for a long time. A simple lacy brassiere would do.

Dating scene. Now, the word itself cannot do justice to the actual act in itself. There's dating. And there's dating. All those who know me well agree that I should not limit my options and be loyal, well, at least not yet. They think I should go crazy and help myself to second and third servings of the buffet line. So I did. I helped myself to the different soups and salads, then the starters, main course-comprising of the different types of meat and poultry cooked rare, medium or well done. Well-done's, true to its name, are easy to get. They are more submissive and hang on to my every word. Although I do love to be waited on hand to foot, I'd rather not have someone agreeing with me all the time, it would be like having nasi lemak without the sambal, if you catch the drift. It's too mundane and monotonous.

So, I serial date. I am on a mission to find my soul-mate, whoever he is. I can tell you how unbelievably difficult and frustrating it is to find the right person. It's like looking for a needle in a haystack. Of course, my dear friend Melissa said, you don't find true love, it finds you. My argument is, God gave us the brains and the resources to explore beyond our capabilities and boundaries. Explore our minds. Be open. If we are just going to sit back and wait for love to fall on our laps, well, here's news for the jejune and unjaded, Marco Polo embarked on an epic journey to Asia, which inspired the likes of Christopher Columbus and if it weren't for these martyrs, the world we know would be very different. Anything that comes to someone very easily is not appreciated as much as something one has had to work hard to get. If everything came easy there would be no drive in people, no striving to better ourselves. We need this to have purpose in our lives. Not to say that people don't always want what comes easy, but from my own experiences, when I have had to work hard to get something, it was always a good feeling, and an accomplishment. Makes me feel good about myself. that I can get something I want by going for it!

So hence, the dates that I have to go through, in my quest to fine this soul-mate of mine, my companion. I find that when it comes to men-love, commitment and relationships-is a voluminous topic and is undoubtedly very subjective. Personally, There is always something inhibiting the relationship that I would like to have with man I find interesting. Is it because I attract people I can't have? Sigh. Maybe. Who is to say who I can or cannot have? Only those looking from the outside tend to insinuate this fact insensitively. I find myself these days drawn to articulateness, a man who is discerning, perceptive with an innate capacity to accomplish something. Yes, those kind of men turns me on these days. For some friends who laugh it off as a bunch of idiosyncratic notion beguiling me, (yes, they seem to think I should come back to reality since the world is short or begone of such species), but I am positive that I will find him. He might not be perfect in so many ways, but he is somewhere out there. In life, we always plan the best path to take to get to our destination. Unfortunately, we tend to forget there is a greater force out there who makes this life interesting with its twists and turns somewhere along the way. I believe this makes us stronger beings. It makes us the person we were intended to be. It prepares us for a mission. I couldn't resist the pun, excuse me.